Twilight (2008)

HOLD ON TIGHT SPIDER MONKEY

IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING, EVERYONE! YEARS OF METICULOUS FILM CRITICISM AND DECADES OF DRUNKEN DEBATES WITH ONLY MYSELF HAS LED TO THIS MOMENT WHERE WE FINALLY TALK ABOUT THE TWILIGHT SAGA!!!!!!!!! Am I a fan of the movies? No! The books? No!!! The smutty fanfic?! Noooo!!!!!!!! Am I a fan of any weird subculture that turns kinda culty because it fills the void left by consumerism? YESSSSSSS. So here I am, talking about Twilight. Aim for the stars, kiddos, that way if you miss, you’ll end up on instagram trying to understand Twilight.

No joke, what I love about this movie is that it feels like a movie, you know? Like there are characters, and a plot, like in a movie! It’s kind of incredible that this movie even exists, given that the studio treated the franchise, already a multi-million dollar book series when they bought the rights, like some silly tween fad. I wrote about THE ENTIRE SAGA for horror press dot com and if you go over there right now you can read about all the shenanigans.

Anyway what else is there to say about Twilight, the first movie in The Twilight Saga? It gave us Kristen Stewart, it gave us Robert Pattinson. Bella’s dad has a great moustache, even though he’s a cop. They play BASEBALL, the vampires are a metaphor for Mormonism, and it’s all very green. It’s the blessing we all deserve, frankly.