The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (2011) & The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (2012)

HERE IT IS! THE FINAL PART WHICH IS IN TWO PARTS!!! Part one is half wedding, half anti-abortion propaganda! Edward AND Jacob shame Bella for wanting to have sex with her new husband! Is this Stephanie Meyer’s version of the female fantasy — a man who doesn’t want sex from his wife??? Anyway Bella gets PREGGERS with a jesus baby and it KILLS HER. SHE DIES FOR THE BABY. Everyone around her is like HEY DON’T DIE FOR THE BABY and she’s just like 😶 But its fine cuz Edward finally turns her into a vampire, which is what she wanted from the very beginning, so why did we have to go through four goddamned movies??????

Anyway in Part 2, now that she’s a vampire, Edward wants to have sex with her again, so that’s fine, but then JACOB FALLS IN LOVE WITH HER BABY. Like the movie tries to be like oh no, it’s not that weird, BUT IT’S DEFINITELY VERY WEIRD. And the baby has a NIGHTMARE FACE and I hate it so much. Then there’s a massive battle for reasons I don’t understand and it’s VERY VIOLENT! FINALLY! SOME SHIT HAPPENS! But actually it doesn’t, it turns out everything was a dream or a vision or wtvr and they just talk it out, explain the misunderstanding, and then they are all cool with each other. THE END. DID WE LEARN ANYTHING? ANYTHING AT ALL???

I have a lot of thoughts about the legacy of this franchise and the way it was made, and I put them all into the article I wrote for Horror Press, so if you want to read more things where it seems like I am pulling out my hair and screaming into a pillow, you should go there!